i'm watching easyrider right now.  what a little badass i am.

  anyhoo.  ugh.  i've decided that i want a boyfriend.  i know what you're thinking... "where do i sign up?!" but the reality is...  i lied.  i don't know why i just said that.  what was i thinking?  i DON'T want a boyfriend.  why don't i want a boyfriend?  because i don't need one.  because whatever man i choose will need me more than i need them.  because wanting a man just for the sake of having someone around is rather lame, and women who do that end up settling for some half assed man who's just as desperate as she is.  and if i can't have what i want, i don't want anything at all.  i have way too many men wanting me to begin with.  but if they're not what i want, then what good are they?  i may as well have none.

and i'm getting old.  the clock is ticking.  i figure that i only have about 5 years tops to find a partner who likes skating, boating, waterskiing, JAWS, surfing, skiing, boatbuilding, traveling the world, the bass, christianity, the ocean, lionel trains, art, animals, & peter fonda.  if i never find that man, well, that sucks for me.  he's not out there.  whatever.  i'm over it.  i'd rather be alone than settle for less than the best.

and i'd very much like to go out with jesse.  but i don't like him very much.  i'm not sure how that works.  he annoys the hell out of me... i don't know why i am writing about this right now.  i tend to be lonely.  anyone i've ever been attracted to, i get to see briefly, and then the next day, i'm gone.  or they're gone.  that's my lifestyle.  we get to spend a really great evening together... and everything is perfect, like you could completely get used to that... and lay there forever.  and the next day, it's like it never happened.  and it may as well not have.  and i'll get pissed when he sails away.  when i wake up the next morning to an empty spot next to me... with footprints leading away towards the docks.  and i'll tell him to delete my number from his phone.  but it's no good because there are no cell phone towers at sea.  and i cry when i look at the horizon...   and tell myself that i hate him.  and i really do hate him.  because i love him.  and i'm not sure how that works.  but one thing's for sure.  i'd better fucking get over it because my days in newport are numbered.  and i like it that way.